“Those who spend (in Allah’s cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress their anger, and who pardon men, verily, Allah loves the al-Muhsinun (the good-doers).”[3: 133-134]
One of the most precarious social positions must be that of the daughter in law, especially in the context of the Indian Subcontinent. It has been discussed and rediscussed without anyone reaching the root of the problem or trying to find a way out. I wish to contribute my own part in the discussion from experiences, first hand and second, and try to figure a way out by consensus from the readers. The article by no means reflects those privileged few who have been fortunate to be exceptions but discusses the wider range of social practice prevalent in the region.
It is seen as a widespread practice that the future in-laws ruin any possibility of success for the future daughter in law even before she has been seen or heard. Speculations about the expected traits of the future daughter begin as soon as the groom declares his readiness for a search. The future in-laws create an enormous list of the expected traits of a daughter in law fit for their family which includes all qualities imaginable plus leaves space for any extras that may have fallen off the list by some chance. As no human being is perfect, the chances are slim for any mortal to make those criteria. As for the groom it does not matter what qualities he possesses apart from the fact that he is male.
If any girl makes about half the list the future in laws condescend to come and see her. From my observation, this is often done in much the same way as the cows for slaughter are bought for Eid ul Azha, with much festivity but no considerations for the cow. The groom may or may not attend and even if he does, may or may not talk to the bride and even if he talks his opinion does not matter. Alas! The two people who are to spend a lifetime of partnership through thick and thin, the two most important persons Islam says need to see each other and decide, have no role in the play. Guardian opinion, without a doubt, is of paramount importance but so is the opinion of those who will have to make it together at the end!
What we see as a general practice is that the preview is mainly about the shape and size and complexion of the prospective bride rather than any other quality she may possess. It is okay for the groom’s people to take as much or as little time they wish to let the girl know the result for they are free to change it whenever they wish for whatever reason or unreason. Her features are carefully considered, the color of her skin is subject to discussion, whether she is an inch taller or shorter is a point of debate. Then comes the points like whether she has a wealthy father or comes of a great family or how much dowry her family can afford to give, etc. Education may or may not be important. What qualities the man has to be her match is not a subject of discussion. I wonder if they know the Hadith of Rasul (PBUH) about the four qualities to be seen in searching for a bride (for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character) - according to a Hadith from Bukhari and Muslim) or whether they know about the conditions of ‘kufu’ (equality between the two parties) in fixing a match.
After seeing few potential candidates, it becomes a lottery to find out who is the winner in the match. Father likes one, mother likes another, brother likes another and sister likes yet another not to mention the other important people in and outside the family. The groom plays a silent role as he hardly knows anything about any of the prospective brides and even if he does, his only job is to marry not take part in decision-making. If he cannot live with her in the end, he can divorce her and get another!
Ultimately the semi precious (not precious because she cannot fulfill half the criteria) gem is decided upon with as much deliberation as investing in a large property. Only the deliberation is more concerned about how much property is coming in with the gem rather than the actual features of the gem. This is what happens when Islamic principles are not adhered to. ‘Hadya’ (gift) from the daughter’s family is not forbidden but it cannot be extracted by psychological blackmailing as is often the case which destroys the sense of respect between two families about to become allied. The groom rather, from the Islamic point of view, is supposed to honor his father in law with a gift for raising his wife and honor his wife with a gift for consenting to be his partner in the business of life; from my observation, though, neither is made. The marriage is marred from the beginning by bargain hunting and a lack of consideration on the qualities of the bride and groom that can actually make it a success.
The bride and her accompanying objects arrive in the midst of a lot of pomp and ceremony. Often it includes showcasing the bride and the objects that will go with her to her new home as in an exhibition or sale. Even before it is time for her to leave the marriage hall, in laws are getting hurt left and right by things the bride’s party may or may not, should or should not have said or done or some injury that they may have supposed or some slight they may have imagined.
As a consequence, by the time she arrives to her new home, only the innocent children are happy to welcome her and few are willing to help her feel, literally, at home. As soon as she goes to her room and sometimes before, open discussions take place as to whether the wedding was a win or a loss. They sift through everything she brought as a dowry or gift and they no longer remain hers but become public property for her in-laws. They can help themselves to anything they like, no permission required. We all know what that is called if it happened the other way round!
The newly-wed bride, as is seen to be a common practice, is expected to lend a hand form the very next day though no one is expected to lend her a hand. It makes us wonder if this is the lesson Islam teaches us about hospitality. If the household could run for years before her arrival, could it not run a few days more without thrusting a new bride headlong into it? Relatives take great pains and incur huge expenses in order to keep track of when she wakes up, how much work she does, how much she eats, how her character is, what time she goes to sleep and to admonish her in-laws to keep her in strict supervision and control. Often these well-wishers are women. They forget that they are women too and should have fellow feeling for a sister who has left everything she knew and loved to be with strangers and is trying her best to carve her own niche in a strange family.
If the daughter-in-law works at a job outside the home, she is not bound to contribute to the family financially for allowing her to work so what Islam says:
“…To men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn…” (Al Qur’an, 4:32)
And as she spends so much time outside the home, it is only natural that she should join the taskforce at home as soon as she returns from work! A man has twice the energy of a woman but he is expected to rest after his long day’s labors and she only goes out in nice dresses, so she should pay for it by making up in household chores! Doing anything in her room or looking after her children is no one’s responsibility. But keeping everyone happy is certainly her responsibility.
Keeping everyone happy is an impossible task, because we are human. Allah gives us everything from the life we enjoy to the air we breathe, form the food we eat to the water that quenches our thirst and still we are not happy and do not feel the necessity to thank Him. What chance does a frail woman stand in comparison? None.
Because if she does anything for her in-laws, she is only fulfilling her responsibilities, what is so great about it? But if by any chance her in-laws do anything for her they have done her a favor that she should be eternally grateful for. As if she has only responsibilities and no rights.
One of my friends was telling me the other day how her husband never brought her any gifts as it would displease her in-laws and he would have to hide it in his briefcase to smuggle it in. They both worked and both contributed generously to the family. Yet neither the family gave her any gifts nor created a congenial environment for her husband to do so. How sad when people do not want to exchange hadya for improvement of relationship, even if it is a kind word or a supportive attitude.
Some women I know have suffered from lack of food and rest and ill treatment and the multitudes of women who are tortured and killed have become so commonplace that the news neither shocks nor moves us to action any more. But Islam emphasizes good treatment so much that Rasul (PBUH) said:
"By Allah, he is not a believer! By Allah, he is not a believer! By Allah, he is not a believer.'' It was asked, "Who is that, O Messenger of Allah?'' He said, "One whose neighbor does not feel safe from his evil". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
This does not mean the folks next door, or men talking about other men. Our nearest neighbors are those given to us, our families.
Doesn’t it make us think whether we are being good Muslims in the way we treat our daughters?
It is a difficult, one of the most difficult, task to love someone with whom you have no longstanding memories or with whom you share little in common due to a different background that moulds her attitudes differently. But if only for a moment we try to imagine that this girl has left everything she knew and loved for my family, she is trying to fit in and my cooperation can make her my sister not just sister in law, she is the woman who will mother my future generation and for my family’s sake she needs to be educated and cheerful – could we behave the way we usually do? If she has deficiencies and mistakes, why I have thousands for every hundred I can count of hers! Besides, is it not the elder who is supposed to forgive and mend? As long as we wish to ignore our responsibilities, girls will keep changing from the docile to the rebellious.
That is why I was not surprised to hear the best and most polite girl she knew went after her mother-in-law with a knife! Well, she is a human being and a human being can only take so much! She would have died from a burst appendix and her mother in law was cursing her for pretending to be in pain! Would she have behaved differently if it were her own daughter who was in pain? I wonder. We cannot all be motherly but we can be humane!
How sad is it when I ask a lady about her relationship with her highly educated mother in law in a noble profession and she says, ‘I have given up trying to make my in-laws happy’. It is our callousness that disillusions girls who came with all good intention. This is what makes little girls say, ‘I wish to marry an orphan’.
Do you wish your daughter to marry an orphan for fear of in laws? I don’t. And I know exactly what I have to do. I have to treat my daughter in law well so that Allah Himself will take responsibility that my daughter is treated well.
You see, it it’s the simple principle of what goes round, comes round.
Do you agree?
One of the most precarious social positions must be that of the daughter in law, especially in the context of the Indian Subcontinent. It has been discussed and rediscussed without anyone reaching the root of the problem or trying to find a way out. I wish to contribute my own part in the discussion from experiences, first hand and second, and try to figure a way out by consensus from the readers. The article by no means reflects those privileged few who have been fortunate to be exceptions but discusses the wider range of social practice prevalent in the region.
It is seen as a widespread practice that the future in-laws ruin any possibility of success for the future daughter in law even before she has been seen or heard. Speculations about the expected traits of the future daughter begin as soon as the groom declares his readiness for a search. The future in-laws create an enormous list of the expected traits of a daughter in law fit for their family which includes all qualities imaginable plus leaves space for any extras that may have fallen off the list by some chance. As no human being is perfect, the chances are slim for any mortal to make those criteria. As for the groom it does not matter what qualities he possesses apart from the fact that he is male.
If any girl makes about half the list the future in laws condescend to come and see her. From my observation, this is often done in much the same way as the cows for slaughter are bought for Eid ul Azha, with much festivity but no considerations for the cow. The groom may or may not attend and even if he does, may or may not talk to the bride and even if he talks his opinion does not matter. Alas! The two people who are to spend a lifetime of partnership through thick and thin, the two most important persons Islam says need to see each other and decide, have no role in the play. Guardian opinion, without a doubt, is of paramount importance but so is the opinion of those who will have to make it together at the end!
What we see as a general practice is that the preview is mainly about the shape and size and complexion of the prospective bride rather than any other quality she may possess. It is okay for the groom’s people to take as much or as little time they wish to let the girl know the result for they are free to change it whenever they wish for whatever reason or unreason. Her features are carefully considered, the color of her skin is subject to discussion, whether she is an inch taller or shorter is a point of debate. Then comes the points like whether she has a wealthy father or comes of a great family or how much dowry her family can afford to give, etc. Education may or may not be important. What qualities the man has to be her match is not a subject of discussion. I wonder if they know the Hadith of Rasul (PBUH) about the four qualities to be seen in searching for a bride (for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character) - according to a Hadith from Bukhari and Muslim) or whether they know about the conditions of ‘kufu’ (equality between the two parties) in fixing a match.
After seeing few potential candidates, it becomes a lottery to find out who is the winner in the match. Father likes one, mother likes another, brother likes another and sister likes yet another not to mention the other important people in and outside the family. The groom plays a silent role as he hardly knows anything about any of the prospective brides and even if he does, his only job is to marry not take part in decision-making. If he cannot live with her in the end, he can divorce her and get another!
Ultimately the semi precious (not precious because she cannot fulfill half the criteria) gem is decided upon with as much deliberation as investing in a large property. Only the deliberation is more concerned about how much property is coming in with the gem rather than the actual features of the gem. This is what happens when Islamic principles are not adhered to. ‘Hadya’ (gift) from the daughter’s family is not forbidden but it cannot be extracted by psychological blackmailing as is often the case which destroys the sense of respect between two families about to become allied. The groom rather, from the Islamic point of view, is supposed to honor his father in law with a gift for raising his wife and honor his wife with a gift for consenting to be his partner in the business of life; from my observation, though, neither is made. The marriage is marred from the beginning by bargain hunting and a lack of consideration on the qualities of the bride and groom that can actually make it a success.
The bride and her accompanying objects arrive in the midst of a lot of pomp and ceremony. Often it includes showcasing the bride and the objects that will go with her to her new home as in an exhibition or sale. Even before it is time for her to leave the marriage hall, in laws are getting hurt left and right by things the bride’s party may or may not, should or should not have said or done or some injury that they may have supposed or some slight they may have imagined.
As a consequence, by the time she arrives to her new home, only the innocent children are happy to welcome her and few are willing to help her feel, literally, at home. As soon as she goes to her room and sometimes before, open discussions take place as to whether the wedding was a win or a loss. They sift through everything she brought as a dowry or gift and they no longer remain hers but become public property for her in-laws. They can help themselves to anything they like, no permission required. We all know what that is called if it happened the other way round!
The newly-wed bride, as is seen to be a common practice, is expected to lend a hand form the very next day though no one is expected to lend her a hand. It makes us wonder if this is the lesson Islam teaches us about hospitality. If the household could run for years before her arrival, could it not run a few days more without thrusting a new bride headlong into it? Relatives take great pains and incur huge expenses in order to keep track of when she wakes up, how much work she does, how much she eats, how her character is, what time she goes to sleep and to admonish her in-laws to keep her in strict supervision and control. Often these well-wishers are women. They forget that they are women too and should have fellow feeling for a sister who has left everything she knew and loved to be with strangers and is trying her best to carve her own niche in a strange family.
If the daughter-in-law works at a job outside the home, she is not bound to contribute to the family financially for allowing her to work so what Islam says:
“…To men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn…” (Al Qur’an, 4:32)
And as she spends so much time outside the home, it is only natural that she should join the taskforce at home as soon as she returns from work! A man has twice the energy of a woman but he is expected to rest after his long day’s labors and she only goes out in nice dresses, so she should pay for it by making up in household chores! Doing anything in her room or looking after her children is no one’s responsibility. But keeping everyone happy is certainly her responsibility.
Keeping everyone happy is an impossible task, because we are human. Allah gives us everything from the life we enjoy to the air we breathe, form the food we eat to the water that quenches our thirst and still we are not happy and do not feel the necessity to thank Him. What chance does a frail woman stand in comparison? None.
Because if she does anything for her in-laws, she is only fulfilling her responsibilities, what is so great about it? But if by any chance her in-laws do anything for her they have done her a favor that she should be eternally grateful for. As if she has only responsibilities and no rights.
One of my friends was telling me the other day how her husband never brought her any gifts as it would displease her in-laws and he would have to hide it in his briefcase to smuggle it in. They both worked and both contributed generously to the family. Yet neither the family gave her any gifts nor created a congenial environment for her husband to do so. How sad when people do not want to exchange hadya for improvement of relationship, even if it is a kind word or a supportive attitude.
Some women I know have suffered from lack of food and rest and ill treatment and the multitudes of women who are tortured and killed have become so commonplace that the news neither shocks nor moves us to action any more. But Islam emphasizes good treatment so much that Rasul (PBUH) said:
"By Allah, he is not a believer! By Allah, he is not a believer! By Allah, he is not a believer.'' It was asked, "Who is that, O Messenger of Allah?'' He said, "One whose neighbor does not feel safe from his evil". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
This does not mean the folks next door, or men talking about other men. Our nearest neighbors are those given to us, our families.
Doesn’t it make us think whether we are being good Muslims in the way we treat our daughters?
It is a difficult, one of the most difficult, task to love someone with whom you have no longstanding memories or with whom you share little in common due to a different background that moulds her attitudes differently. But if only for a moment we try to imagine that this girl has left everything she knew and loved for my family, she is trying to fit in and my cooperation can make her my sister not just sister in law, she is the woman who will mother my future generation and for my family’s sake she needs to be educated and cheerful – could we behave the way we usually do? If she has deficiencies and mistakes, why I have thousands for every hundred I can count of hers! Besides, is it not the elder who is supposed to forgive and mend? As long as we wish to ignore our responsibilities, girls will keep changing from the docile to the rebellious.
That is why I was not surprised to hear the best and most polite girl she knew went after her mother-in-law with a knife! Well, she is a human being and a human being can only take so much! She would have died from a burst appendix and her mother in law was cursing her for pretending to be in pain! Would she have behaved differently if it were her own daughter who was in pain? I wonder. We cannot all be motherly but we can be humane!
How sad is it when I ask a lady about her relationship with her highly educated mother in law in a noble profession and she says, ‘I have given up trying to make my in-laws happy’. It is our callousness that disillusions girls who came with all good intention. This is what makes little girls say, ‘I wish to marry an orphan’.
Do you wish your daughter to marry an orphan for fear of in laws? I don’t. And I know exactly what I have to do. I have to treat my daughter in law well so that Allah Himself will take responsibility that my daughter is treated well.
You see, it it’s the simple principle of what goes round, comes round.
Do you agree?
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